theory of a dead man

they say that ‘If you love with your all, its better that to not love at all’ . I’m beginning to see that thats not true.

I don’t think there’s true love anymore.  Its all a farce.  I’m just going back to being my mirror.

I’m dead inside.

 

trust, or the lack of it.

Trust is very important. If you trust, you believe. It takes a load off your mind if you trust that things will be done. And it takes worry out of your life to trust that things will turn out in your favour, in the end, if you work at it.

I finally realised whats missing in my life while walking back from studying alone.

I don’t.

I don’t trust the future, and due to past experience, from as young as 11, i learned that it was folly to trust someone completely. Maybe thats why i keep a part of me hidden from everyone.

I’m skeptical.

Trust is implied; Its never stated. I must admit, i trust inanimate objects more than living people. Maybe I feel people have let me down too many times before, especially my parents; When i let someone know how i feel , i trust they will not use it against me, i trust that they will not hurt me. It seems like every single person i put my trust in, ends up hurting me.

Or maybe i trust too easily. The gullible sort thats become too jaded by his past to trust again.

But one thing’s for sure, if you’ve hurt me before, you’re never ever going to be trusted again. You’ll have to move mountains and make miracles for me to believe you again. I am blessed with a memory unfading, which can be a curse sometimes.Thus I hate liars.

I don’t forget, yet i find it hard to grasp forgiveness. Maybe this has made me enemies in the past and made me seem uppity to others, but in this regard , I don’t care. Why? coz i don’t care about those I don’t trust. Though it seems logical, but it can be a very cold and hard logic when it is applied to family or people you love and care about.

But I know whats important to me now: I don’t want to get hurt.

A problem with a total lack of trust also implicates myself. I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust my abilities. And when that happens, you know self esteem is a problem.I also don’t trust my feelings enough to believe them.

You also need trust to love. You simply cannot love something you don’t trust as you simply won’t believe.

So in one analysis i’ve figured out why i am cynical, worried, unfeeling ,always guarded and have low self esteem.

great.

Protected: its like i’m haunted

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honestly why am i awake.

I actually took 5 hours to do a simple informal lab report. PREPOSTEROUS TIMING!! but well, in between i was surfing you tube, playing facebook games and everything but the report haha… it felt so much different from doing the econometrics project. Yet the result is the same- 10 minutes to 4am and i’m still banging away on my keyboard at 50 words per minute or more.

But i’m calmer. I’m more relaxed. And i’m happy.

Despite my busted right knee from monday’s fall. Worries aside, tonight, she has left me.

Well ok, i can’t say that yet. I still think of that someone, but now its not every day anymore. Its more like… how you’d think of an old friend. You’d wonder how they’re doing, what they’re thinking …. but you don’t wonder what it would be like if you were with them right now, sipping milk/coffee in your arms and flipping notes while sharing music.

I must admit, i’ve been…. tortured some nights, by that thought. That “what if?” question. But I realised I’ve more things to think of. Maybe its the reason why i lost sleep last week. Not due to project submissions, but more of the sense that I need someone to be there for me NOW(then, when i was stressed out) and i thought of her. But now, i’ve more(or less actually!) things to concentrate on.

Well, at least thats what i tell myself now. I’ve not seen her in 3 weeks. It might happen again if i see her again. But then I hark back to what my sunday study buddy shared with me.

“When so many people can make your expectations, you start to compare whats BAD and pick the least “bad” one.”

me: “so you ask yourself ‘can i live with that?’ instead of ‘do i want that?’ ?! ”

“HAHA ya! something like that lah! “

So sometimes its not that people don’t live up to your expectations or vice versa, they just can’t live with some irritating trait you have. Its no biggie. Really.

 

but of course, she also believes that you have to WORK at true love coz no one’s perfect and that love at first sight is really very shallow, so yeah, pass the salt after you’re done with it.

quizzes/projects

I honestly loath both, even though i see the merit in their existence. However, the question that begs to be answered is, which is better?

quizzes are a one time pain. Forces you to go through all your notes and your content. Good that it helps you revise, but in reality, there’s no such thing as quizzes in the real world.

Projects on the other hand, are a longer term pain. They’re also a pain in more than one way. The human cooperation factor, the lack of a clear direction in most projects, the organisation of the work, creation of the structure of the report, the way the info is presented and the time at which everything comes together. It can really take a whole lot outta you. But not all projects are equal. Some are good in the sense that you learn alot about the content you are supposed to learn as you HAVE to apply them and this forces you to read up. However, there are those projects that have absolutely no bearing on what you have to learn to pass the exam later.

Then it brings the question, are we really studying for the grades? just for the grades? I really question the usefulness of a materials engineer or an economic bachelor’s knowing the formula for fourier coefficients to be found.  Some things we just learn coz some OTHER engineering faculty or MOST other universities teach it, so we have to learn it if not our degree is not worth shit. But honestly, is that how things work in the real world? I wonder why we are still so tethered to the paper chase in this highly sterile and supposedly detached learning environment; aren’t we supposed to let ourselves be free from real world concerns in the pursuit of knowledge?

I am a thinker, a wonderer, a theorist and idealist at heart. Such restrictions , quizzes, and fundamental errors in the core values of education here really strike a nerve. The more jaded I get, the more practical i will get and the more I see the reasons of the paper chase. The more i see the so-called reasons, the more jaded i get. Its quite a vicious circle/cycle. I’m finding it hard to hold on to my ideals and my values on education . The fatigue, competition and the sense that we’ve got it all wrong fundamentally really drains my drive, resolve and leaves me disillusioned.

feeling emo.

I finished my computer game ceasar3…. today… or rather, before 12midnight, so its yesterday. I got promoted to ceasar, and then to deity… then…. i won.

and i felt happy for…. 5 seconds before i realised,THATS IT? no high score ranking?! no name?! -.-

sian

but is that why i played it for? nope. is that why i like to play it? NOPE.but why does that reaction subtract from my experience some utility?

I don’t know why i’m feeling this way. maybe coz i felt like i got used by my group mates in the ms2030 project. Maybe its coz i don’t like the feeling of constantly having to work. Or maybe i just didn’t have a proper weekend.

Maybe. Maybe i didn’t …. touch base.

I’m feeling worn again.  I NEED TO EXERCISE….. maybe thats it.

maybe its just me.

but talking to a friend who’s gg to australia for exchange next sem really perks up my day. Especially since we both did so many similar things and are both somehow on the same frequency. but dang, she’s attached. haha. and catholic. nothing wrong with that actually, just…. well… i don’t know . Religion is a topic i’ve always skirted . Maybe coz i don’t believe in religion, but i believe there is a higher power. Religion to me is just an outdated and biased interpretation.

what do you do , when your heart is an empty room?

furnish? repaint? rewire? do the lighting? flooring? curtains? clean up? or simply…. lock the door and throw away the key?

square one

after it all i’m back to square one. I don’t feel like i’ve changed much from who i’ve been. I’m still that person who can be bothered by a tutorial question that has an answer I don’t agree with. I’m still that perfectionist who kills himself over not preparing for a presentation(and wings it). But no matter what, everything falls into place.

i’m lucky . i’m fortunate.

But i just don’t appreciate stuff. not the things i have. All i see, is the future. What could be, and what could be better. I see flaws I see pending improvements. But I don’t see me , nor do i see the people around me.

I don’t like sleeping so “early” but its hard to get some privacy in hall. Its still no excuse .

I’ve always been troubled. Always worrying about every little detail. Then i realised that people have too many details and i’ll be worrying about everyone. Everyone but myself.

here I am, alone again. Here I am, again jaded by life, again not seeing the brighter side.

But is it that bad? I understood everything in my tutorial for once. NEver mind that a friend asked if there’s anything wrong. Never mind that he noticed that I lacked something- my smile. Never mind all that.

I don’t mind giving up on looking for happiness. I get things done. I’m on the ball.

But i’m not happy.  I thought finding someone was the key, but now i’ve found someone who doesn’t like me back. So forget about all that, forget about all the things to come, i don’t want it anymore. I’m tired of looking.

its new!

no  . not me. my new racquet came today with anurad, down from KL. woots! was damn happy getting it. And best of all, i met chris and settled everything, cash and stuff in one day.

my hell week started 2 hours 17 minutes ago and i’m not rested yet.

Well, at least i got a new racket

so you’re using me as your pastor lah?

I said that to my friend today over the phone.

well, its interesting. Two of the closest people to me who are known as “chris” called on me for advice.

one called to ask about something regarding business ethics , another via msn to (after complaining about her current situation) ask for direction on a personal relationship.

And the question i have in my head right now is, do i give good advice?

Seriously, at some point in my conversation with both of them, I asked myself whether i was advising the right things. But whats said is said.

So why is it that people come to me for advice?

In fact, i’m in need of some advice of my own!

maybe its a “summit effect” ; if you’re at the peak, you can only point one way for people seeking directions – DOWN.

why do i always end up letting people down?

is it coz i forget?

or is it coz i have too many people to potentially let down?

I didn’t have this problem before coz , well, ididn’t really have that many friends to let down before. secondary shool was a very close-knit family, while in jc,  didn’t really fit in . Not that i really do now.

this time i slept in. maybe its the night before. Thank god i didn’t make it in the afternoon , if not it would really have been too tiring for me. But i will never, ever miss a night’s sleep again. Its just not worth the consequences. Even if its for work.

one night missed screwed up 2 days. Not that my friends helped. sometimes its hard to see who really cares.