I thought about it, and all this is coz I set myself up with too much expectations laden on me. I should have went to nus to take arch, but thats another life, another story and another regret.
I don’t regret taking this double degree. I fought hard for it, maybe a bit too hard. Without it, I wouldn’t have gotten to know all the wonderful ,smart people who are in the same shit as I am, but are coping a lot better. Without it, I wouldn’t have a glimpse of whether I am good enough, or how good I actually am(or , recently, how bad I can be without hard work) . Without it, i wouldn’t have had the chance to meet some of my closest friends from various courses in humantities .
What I do hate though, is having people expect results from me. Thats what I really don’t like. Its unneccessary pressure. Such pressure is also very distracting.
But i must say, I’ve been slacking for 2 semesters now. I’ve shot more ends than answered questions. And probably hit x more times than i’ve hit a question right on in a tutorial on the first try.
I kinda asked for it.
I stayed on last sem even though I had identified that I wasn’t getting anywhere- that the results and rewards reaped wasn’t even close the amount of time put into the sport. I must admit, I stayed on for someone. I stayed on to give myself a shot, to keep myself relevant to someone else’s life and its hurt me in ways I didn’t even know it could. Now i’ve quit.
I should start living for myself. I honestly don’t know how come i’ve become so nice to people. I used to be very much like my roomie – the guy on the dean’s list. Self centred, with a “I don’t care, it doesn’t affect me” attitude and very driven . In some ways, I feel I have regressed academically due to me opening up to other people . Its like I have neglected a part of myself to care for others. I am self sacrificing and i need to learn to control it.
I am now almost a shoo-in for the next jcrc publications post. It will ensure me a spot in hall next year . why do i say i’m a shoo in? The pubs sec knows I am interested in the post and has given his blessings. I am known by quite a few people who are not from my original og as I didn’t solely stick to my hall og during sem time. Even some seniors in hall also know who I am, though I don’t know who they are.
I’ve just sunk in so much time into hall, it seems like such a waste not to run. The groundwork has been laid for the past year- sometimes at the cost of work- and now i have the chance to capitalise on it and I am being hindered by the cost I paid for the groundwork. How ironic. People have been asking me to run for p&p.
Some good friends have been advising me to take a look at what I want from ntu- why am i here? Most would say they are here for the degree. I came here for the degree, but it has offered me more than that. And i’m taking in everything it throws at me, barbs and all. And maybe, just maybe i’m taking in too much- so much that i can’t handle it.
The worst part is, no one understands . I am torn. I just need someone to talk to now.
I’m turning my alarm off. I need a good rest. I’ll do lab tomorrow evening. thank god its web-based.
