I’m having trouble sleeping.
maybe its all the late night early morning gaming. till 3. Or maybe its just something else. Its not like i game during the weekdays also… and i’ve been having trouble sleeping since thursday. so maybe its not the gaming during the weekend. Maybe its just the stress.
My friend told my he was feeling jaded. “jaded?” i asked, followed by, “how so?”.
His reply came, “you just feel like you have no motivation. Like you are driven only by the knowledge that you have to do well.”
That answer just spoke like the words from my heart. And that doesn’t happen often.
Working towards a goal JUST BECAUSE its a goal you HAVE to attain(obligated to), is so damn tiring. It just takes the life out of you. Its so much better to be working towards a goal because of something- even if its coz your parents are pressuring you or because you want to show someone up. Its to the extent that I have lost interest in my course of study. I see no point in working so hard for 2 pieces of paper. Even though i know its correlated to my job in the future, even though i know its important. Everything just doesn’t seem worth it right now.
It doesn’t help that I get no respite at home. I’ve had to fix my dad’s computer WHILE i baked brownies. Its not fun. It takes the fun out of baking coz there’s this stupid irritating shit thing nagging at you. Thank god both my brownies taste damn good.
Over the weekend, my dad said he’d got some govt grant and his business was going to really take off. It was a big deal, worth celebrating, yet he wasn’t in the mood, for some reason. He even found it peculiar and said to me ,”i’ve been hankering after this ’status’ (referring to his company’s status) for so long, and really hoping to get it. But now that i’ve got it, I don’t feel a thing.” This is the same way I normally feel. Maybe its hereditary? or maybe its learned?
I just hope my love life doesn’t turn out the same way; go after a girl for a long time. And when I finally get her, I don’t feel anything. I’d feel very sad for her if that happens. She just won’t have a person who appreciates how difficult it is to get together. And that in itself is a tragedy coz I won’t appreciate her.
Maybe i’m thinking too much. Maybe it won’t happen to me. But what if? I’d rather see a girl i like , go on with her life without me, than see something like that happening. I can’t bear to see it happen.
