The real worry is from my studies. I am really having problems coping with my studies. And the more i worry, the more i escape. I know its a vicious cycle; the more i escape to games, the less time i have to work. And time is what i need.
I know i have to hunker down and do it, but knowing is not enough. I don’t have the will. Somehow I don’t know why I’m doing all this anymore. I told a taxi driver today, very frankly, that at the start it seemed worth it - one more year for one more degree? And now, one year on after saying yes to the program, I am seriously doubting myself.
Maybe its hall life, maybe its the closeness and the family-like atmosphere of hall that keeps me thinking that my time is better spent elsewhere. But I know that this atmosphere is temporary. I know that my degree is forever. But what the taxi driver said to me, made me pause. “People like you, who look so far ahead, will never stop one. You must know why you work and what you do outside it is something else. You work for money, but why? for your family! But if you don’t spend time with your family, you will only know work, and no one will know you. ”
Here’s the thing, he’s right. You can’t always work. But for me, the problem is not that I work. Its that I don’t . And I think, no, I KNOW that must change. I’m just always so bogged down by everything in my head that its hard to DO what i KNOW, let alone DO what i MUST. 
I’m caught between giving up and pushing on; I’m caught between my own wish for myself to be the best, and between my own wish for everyone to be happy. I can’t make everyone happy if i’m striving to be the best coz i’ll be the only one who’s not happy.And thats my conundrum now, and thats my inner battle. I was like my roomie- no definition of happiness, no definition of want. And now i realise i’ve past where he’s been. It seems to so many people out there that i’ve got it together, that i’ve got it nailed, that i know what i want. And yet, they don’t see that it just looks that way- If i don’t win myself over with what i really want, uncertain future happiness, or trying to find the meaning of happiness now, I will never get either .And i dont know what to do right now.
I’ve always avoided this problem by telling myself that the situation i am in, is only temporary, and yet, every two years, every time i have a major exam . Every. Single. Time. I have to cheat myself, I have to lie to myself to say that I must concentrate on this exam first- this question can come later- I always come back to the same question. AND I”M TIRED OF IT.
I’m tired of lying to myself, and i’m tired of thinking that this feeling of emptiness will go away. Its one thing to know you have what i takes to finish a double degree, its another to feel totally useless coz you know you’re not going anywhere with all that substance coz you haven’t got a place to go.
And i don’t knwo why i got into this state of mind.
