I take words seriously. I scrutinise the things people say, sometimes too much.
But the thing I hate the most is when people say one thing and do another. Its like an agreement breached; a promise broken. Maybe it had to do with a certain “best friend” I had in primary school, when we broke something in class and who put the blame on me when it was his idea. Maybe it started from there, I’m not sure. I just know that I have a very good memory for such things. It may also have been that I have had more forgetful parents than most who hardly live up to their end of the deal.
Regardless of the root of it, my trust is thus hard to gain. I’m perpetually guarded, you might say? It doesn’t take much for me to put a mental tag against the name or face of someone and brand them, in my mind’s eye, as unreliable, or worse, untrustworthy. However, its not easy for me to remove such a tag. In fact, it will stay with you till I forget who you are, or till you are worth nothing to me- at which point such a tag becomes meaningless.Call it an impression if you wish, but I think its just something- a characteristic- that I link something to, that I find is very difficult to shake.
I build glass walls.
I once told a new friend whom had an air of innocence and demeanor that is friendly, yet accepting, that I build glass walls as a form of protection. Much like a castle with its moats and walls, my trust is the treasure behind these walls. New friends will be able to view it, have a glimpse of it but no more. It does make my life seem cold and lonely, but I’ve come to terms with that.
There is only one way to automatically get in- family. There is an implicit trust there that is because of who they are and what family means to me. However, the treatment they get if they break my trust is the same- there is no return from exile.
Anger management
I realised that when i’m angry at you, i won’t talk to you. It doesn’t solve the problem or help YOU to realise whats wrong, but its my way of avoiding the stimulus. And so if i tell you how i feel, please know its not something everyone gets. It means you mean enough to me for me to stop, sit down and control my anger long enough to tell you how i feel. I DON’T tell people how I feel when i’m feeling that emotion. Well, i need to work on some aspects of my life, and this is one of them.
There are few outlets for me and i do keep many things sizzling inside for a long time. Like someone close to me once told me- I seem bitter and vengeful, I should learn to forgive. Its a problem that I have the tendency to unconciously reflect any recieved misdeed with similar treatment at the same person, but thats what I use to let people know how I feel. I’ve never felt good when it really happens because usually people are of less mental fortitude and break down. It has never given me any pleasure to walk up to a crying person and say “I’m sorry, but you had it coming. You have no one to blame but yourself.” It pains me even more if that person means something to me.
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It didn’t seem to hit me at the time that I had posted this at a wrong time on fb- immediately after i was stood up by my gf after waiting for 2 hours. I told her to forget about it after she apologised, but she still thought i was angry and kept harping on it. I REALLY couldn’t understand till she told me this note made her sad.
It was like, I am the victim today right? and… you’re sad that i’m angry/pissed? huh? i don’t get it.
I asked her to explain, but she said she felt sad because she felt that its this vicious cycle thing that i’m perpetuating and that it will affect my children in the future too coz i’m so bitter and vengeful…. I was honestly half asleep. I still don’t understand why she couldn’t stop crying and i was so damn tired my eyes were half closed and i swear if she stared at me any longer i would have fallen asleep.
I still don’t understand what came over me to suggest we break up since we have so many differences. gosh.. that worsened everything..
