Had an interesting sleep today. I slept at about 10pm, but woke up,well, i got out of bed at 3am. However, i wasn’t always alseep. Something woke up, I don’t know when, but it kept me in this lucid condition where I was able to think, feel, and feel different parts of my mind, but distinctly not feel my body. It was as if i was a seperate person. It felt really odd.
Then towards the end as i tried to access memories, i realised that they existed on a higher plane of conciousness-literally. The level I was at only allowed me to question, feel, float from platform to platform..move platforms. Music existed throughout like some background speakerphone was on and these platforms could move to the feelings of the song, not to the lyrical music or the rythm.
Its odd and it felt like I was exploring my own mind.
Then i realised there were parts of my brain experiencing a headache. I never felt this before while awake and it only occured to me then. It was odd as i could distinctly identify which part of my MIND was affected, and the corresponding part of the brain would hurt. Its odd that the hurt amplified as I moved closer to explore what was causing the pain and whether it could be willed away.
Then it occured to me that there were other forms of pain, not physical pain, but truly heartache. And i looked at it and I realised how much pain i was supressing. As i relaxed and tried to will away the pain by trying to accept the underlying problem affecting that area of me, it was as if the seemingly blank areas of my mind between the platforms rose up, like a flood of water, and threatened to consume me- consume my new found inner perspective. And that is when i realised that I was supressing all that feeling and every time i supressed it, one part of me went deep , down, and was faded out of “sight”.
I then chose to try and recall the good times I had with Jane. I had realised that she was the reason- no, I was sad because she was not there with me. And i tried to reminisc about when we were fine and happy. Then i realised that these memories were few and far between and in a plane higher than where I started out when i “awoke”. All my other memories were there too, forming what seemed like a cloud layer with each package floating in this inter-connected zone of memories. Each connection leading to another memory with a feeling attached to it. Then i realised that there was no way I could progress if I kept keeping sad memories inside, weighing them down and sinking them to the depths of my soul.
I then took charge of my body. Its an odd feeling. Like it was on auto-pilot. You can feel your hand moving, your body turning but the movement is not at all controlled by you. Its like you were hugging your pillow, stretching out and tossing about all by yourself like some reflex action. Its an odd feeling that I could just say “okay, now I want to get up and write about this. This is important. I have realised something.” and then your regain control and start to move… out of bed.
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Well its very true that i’ve been hurt very deeply by recent events. Its also very true that there isn’t time for me to properly deal with my emotions. Thats actually leading to me not being able to focus. Its horrid. It happens every semester, but this time it is especially bad due to the overwhelmingly sorrowful cirumstances.
I have to deal with it this time. I have to. I know I do.
