i guess i am here to face myself after 4 hours of continuous gaming. thats really unhealthy especially when you start at 12 midnight.
Went out with my ex tonight for dinner then a late night movie. Caught ghost protocol. Very nice twist to the usual MI:?? story with less sad undertones and more fun, more hope and more laughs. But thats all the fun, hope and laughs i had tonight.
We had dinner in school, nothing fancy, just a simple sit-down meal at palette. She was smiely, as always, and had ordered her food already, and mine. I was late, as usual, and settled the money for the night with her first. She then tried to strike up conversation as if the whole bloody thing 3 months ago didn’t happen. I realised it in an instant … and the mood went downhill from then on.
I couldn’t even manage a smile. Not once. And only started conversation once; i only asked her about her cambodia trip after the movie, at starbucks. She handed me a hand-written letter with some souvenir from her trip and a christmas card.
I shed no tears. I didn’t feel a thing. Nothing. I just breezed through it like some inconsequential and uninteresting editorial by a writer i usually like. No, i correct myself, like some editorial by a writer i don’t even know or care about.
In some corner of my mind, I am sad that it should be this way. I know I should be more feeling, but no, the walls will not come down. And i doubt that they will ever, should things keep on the way they are. She has apologised, profusely, more than once, and in more ways than one, through different channels and mediums. But, her apology means nothing to me, for she is apologising for the unintended consequences and disruption of her timing the event, like it was something she had planned from the start, like the end was just a question of when. I know it is not her intention, but from my point of view it is difficult to see otherwise. And note that I did not feel this then, when i read it, but only as hindsight.
When I was out with her tonight, i knew i was affecting her. I knew that the moment we went up the bus to the cinema. I could feel myself acting as if she was not even there. I just had the feeling there and then that I didn’t want to be there but she had the tickets and I would hold out and watch the show. I don’t know, but honestly i’ve never really done this to anyone before- other than my mom. But the apathy emanating from me was seeping through every pore in my body, so much so that I was rather repulsed by my own demeanor.
I wanted to say her t-shirt was quite nice and unique, that her new hairstyle was …. a rather nice throwback to when she first came into ntu… but whenever I looked at her, these thoughts just sublimed into the frozen depths of wherever. I would just think , immediately, no. Every thought that came to my mind about her, and any response to any question longer than a 1-word answer in a monotonous tone, would be greeted by my own subconscious with a painful , slow, shaking of the head followed by a “No. Never again.” And all this happened right in front of her, without her knowing. I guess she did hurt me deeper than she expected and more than I’d care to admit.
She says she is torn between being thankful that she is away from my sarcasm and hurtful comments and missing the good times between us. For me it was so, but I have since forgotten any “good times”. For me, it’s only pain now.
I guess that’s how it will be. I don’t even want to see her ever again for all I associate with her, is just pure pain. Sadly, this is so. Unless someone makes an extraordinary effort to bridge the gap,i guess my walls are up, and doubled.
