Went out with my ex tonight for dinner then a late night movie. Caught ghost protocol. Very nice twist to the usual MI:?? story with less sad undertones and more fun, more hope and more laughs. But thats all the fun, hope and laughs i had tonight. 

We had dinner in school, nothing fancy, just a simple sit-down meal at palette. She was smiely, as always, and had ordered her food already, and mine. I was late, as usual, and settled the money for the night with her first. She then tried to strike up conversation as if the whole bloody thing 3 months ago didn’t happen. I realised it in an instant … and the mood went downhill from then on. 

I couldn’t even manage a smile. Not once. And only started conversation once; i only asked her about her cambodia trip after the movie, at starbucks. She handed me a hand-written letter with some souvenir from her trip and a christmas card. 

I shed no tears. I didn’t feel a thing. Nothing. I just breezed through it like some inconsequential and uninteresting editorial by a writer i usually like. No, i correct myself, like some editorial by a writer i don’t even know or care about.

In some corner of my mind, I am sad that it should be this way. I know I should be more feeling, but no, the walls will not come down. And i doubt that they will ever, should things keep on the way they are. She has apologised, profusely, more than once, and in more ways than one, through different channels and mediums. But, her apology means nothing to me, for she is apologising for the unintended consequences and disruption of her timing the event, like it was something she had planned from the start, like the end was just a question of when. I know it is not her intention, but from my point of view it is difficult to see otherwise. And note that I did not feel this then, when i read it, but only as hindsight. 

When I was out with her tonight, i knew i was affecting her. I knew that the moment we went up the bus to the cinema. I could feel myself acting as if she was not even there. I just had the feeling there and then that I didn’t want to be there but she had the tickets and I would hold out and watch the show. I don’t know, but honestly i’ve never really done this to anyone before- other than my mom. But the apathy emanating from me was seeping through every pore in my body, so much so that I was rather repulsed by my own demeanor. 

I wanted to say her t-shirt was quite nice and unique, that her new hairstyle was …. a rather nice throwback to when she first came into ntu… but whenever I looked at her, these thoughts just sublimed into the frozen depths of wherever. I would just think , immediately, no. Every thought that came to my mind about her, and any response to any question longer than a 1-word answer in a monotonous tone, would be greeted by my own subconscious with a painful , slow, shaking of the head followed by a “No. Never again.” And all this happened right in front of her, without her knowing. I guess she did hurt me deeper than she expected and more than I’d care to admit. 

She says she is torn between being thankful that she is away from my sarcasm and hurtful comments and missing the good times between us. For me it was so, but I have since forgotten any “good times”. For me, it’s only pain now. 

I guess that’s how it will be. I don’t even want to see her ever again for all I associate with her, is just   pure pain. Sadly, this is so. Unless someone makes an extraordinary effort to bridge the gap,i guess my walls are up, and doubled.

Had an interesting sleep today. I slept at about 10pm, but woke up,well, i got out of bed at 3am. However, i wasn’t always alseep. Something woke up, I don’t know when, but it kept me in this lucid condition where I was able to think, feel, and feel different parts of my mind, but distinctly not feel my body. It was as if i was a seperate person. It felt really odd.

Then towards the end as i tried to access memories, i realised that they existed on a higher plane of conciousness-literally. The level I was at only allowed me to question, feel, float from platform to platform..move platforms. Music existed throughout like some background speakerphone was on and these platforms could move to the feelings of the song, not to the lyrical music or the rythm.

Its odd and it felt like I was exploring my own mind.

Then i realised there were parts of my brain experiencing a headache. I never felt this before while awake and it only occured to me then. It was odd as i could distinctly identify which part of my MIND was affected, and the corresponding part of the brain would hurt. Its odd that the hurt amplified as I moved closer to explore what was causing the pain and whether it could be willed away.

Then it occured to me that there were other forms of pain, not physical pain, but truly heartache. And i looked at it and I realised how much pain i was supressing. As i relaxed and tried to will away the pain by trying to accept the underlying problem affecting that area of me, it was as if the seemingly blank areas of my mind between the platforms rose up, like a flood of water, and threatened to consume me- consume my new found inner perspective. And that is when i realised that I was supressing all that feeling and every time i supressed it, one part of me went deep , down, and was faded out of “sight”.

I then chose to try and recall the good times I had with Jane. I had realised that she was the reason- no, I was sad because she was not there with me. And i tried to reminisc about when we were fine and happy. Then i realised that these memories were few and far between and in a plane higher than where I started out when i “awoke”. All my other memories were there too, forming what seemed like a cloud layer with each package floating in this inter-connected zone of memories. Each connection leading to another memory with a feeling attached to it. Then i realised that there was no way I could progress if I kept keeping sad memories inside, weighing them down and sinking them to the depths of my soul.

I then took charge of my body. Its an odd feeling. Like it was on auto-pilot. You can feel your hand moving, your body turning but the movement is not at all controlled by you. Its like you were hugging your pillow, stretching out and tossing about all by yourself like some reflex action. Its an odd feeling that I could just say “okay, now I want to get up and write about this. This is important. I have realised something.” and then your regain control and start to move… out of bed.

—

Well its very true that i’ve been hurt very deeply by recent events. Its also very true that there isn’t time for me to properly deal with my emotions. Thats actually leading to me not being able to focus. Its horrid. It happens every semester, but this time it is especially bad due to the overwhelmingly sorrowful cirumstances.

I have to deal with it this time. I have to. I know I do.

I thought i would find someone to fill it up. I found that someone, but she’s more than that. She’s filled a part I didn’t know I had vacant. I know that there’s no good in sweeping everything under the carpet, but I feel alone more than anything when I need some direction. More likely than not, I am the one giving directions.

Today I will not talk. I will listen and try not to say a word unless I need to. Most importantly I will listen to myself. I know what to do to right my life, but its pointless to know what to do when you have no reason to do so.

But the thing I hate the most is when people say one thing and do another. Its like an agreement breached; a promise broken. Maybe it had to do with a certain “best friend” I had in primary school, when we broke something in class and who put the blame on me when it was his idea. Maybe it started from there, I’m not sure. I just know that I have a very good memory for such things. It may also have been that I have had more forgetful parents than most who hardly live up to their end of the deal.

Regardless of the root of it, my trust is thus hard to gain. I’m perpetually guarded, you might say? It doesn’t take much for me to put a mental tag against the name or face of someone and brand them, in my mind’s eye, as unreliable, or worse,  untrustworthy. However, its not easy for me to remove such a tag. In fact, it will stay with you till I forget who you are, or till you are worth nothing to me- at which point such a tag becomes meaningless.Call it an impression if you wish, but I think its just something-  a characteristic- that I link something to, that I find is very difficult to shake.

I build glass walls.

I once told a new friend whom had an air of innocence and demeanor that is friendly, yet accepting, that I build glass walls as a form of protection. Much like a castle with its moats and walls, my trust is the treasure behind these walls. New friends will be able to view it, have a glimpse of it but no more. It does make my life seem cold and lonely, but I’ve come to terms with that.

There is only one way to automatically get in- family. There is an implicit trust there that is because of who they are and what family means to me. However, the treatment they get if they break my trust is the same- there is no return from exile.

Anger management

I realised that when i’m angry at you, i won’t talk to you. It doesn’t solve the problem or help YOU to realise whats wrong, but its my way of avoiding the stimulus. And so if i tell you how i feel, please know its not something everyone gets. It means you mean enough to me for me to stop, sit down and control my anger long enough to tell you how i feel. I DON’T tell people how I feel when i’m feeling that emotion. Well, i need to work on some aspects of my life, and this is one of them.

There are few outlets for me and i do keep many things sizzling inside for a long time. Like someone close to me once told me- I seem bitter and vengeful, I should learn to forgive. Its a problem that I have the tendency to unconciously reflect any recieved misdeed with similar treatment at the same person, but thats what I use to let people know how I feel. I’ve never felt good when it really happens because usually people are of less mental fortitude and break down. It has never given me any pleasure to walk up to a crying person and say “I’m sorry, but you had it coming. You have no one to blame but yourself.” It pains me even more if that person means something to me.

—-

It didn’t seem to hit me at the time that I had posted this at a wrong time on fb- immediately after i was stood up by my gf after waiting for 2 hours. I told her to forget about it after she apologised, but she still thought i was angry and kept harping on it. I REALLY couldn’t understand till she told me this note made her sad.

It was like, I am the victim today right? and… you’re sad that i’m angry/pissed? huh? i don’t get it.

I asked her to explain, but she said she felt sad because she felt that its this vicious cycle thing that i’m perpetuating and that it will affect my children in the future too coz i’m so bitter and vengeful…. I was honestly half asleep. I still don’t understand why she couldn’t stop crying and i was so damn tired my eyes were half closed and i swear if she stared at me any longer i would have fallen asleep.

I still don’t understand what came over me to suggest we break up since we have so many differences. gosh.. that worsened everything..

more.

it seems like i always want more from myself.  or is it? maybe i am asking myself to be less?
less ill disciplined, less distracted, less stressed, less disorganised…

I don’t know whats wrong actually. I’m never content with who I am, and everytime i change something, it never lasts.
After returning from Germany, i had this huge impulse to change for the better and now, its almost fizzled out.

I want to. i so badly want to. But i’m getting in my own way!

Unlike them, I did not come back to the same Singapore I left- My room was moved just before i left, the familiar Causeway point has undergone huge changes and is still changing, and I have changed.

I am still suffering from Jet lag. Serious jet lag. However, it all boils down to when I WANT to go to sleep. Or maybe I should say, that it all boils down to when I want to wake up. Both literally and metaphorically. I sit here in my bed, after the 10 or so scrabble games and the bleach episode of the week and stare at my facebook updates from friends 10,069 km away. In the cyber realm its as if I never left. The only tell tale signs were my own changing of my current location on Facebook. Its funny when even Facebook asks you if you are in Singapore for a visit, if you are near Singapore or if you are already there, or here.

For the past 3 weeks it has been surreal. I have woken up, thrice, to different climates. I remember clearly how I walked out of Paris’s southern train station in short sleeves and shorts only to shiver my way down to the nearest subway station and continue on in a well-lit, but noisier metro line. Waking up in Nice three days before was even more of a shock. The morn I arrived it seemed as if the trees and ground had just been removed and replaced while I was in the sleeper cabin from Mulhouse. The Nice temperature and humidity mirrored that of the hottest day in Zurich the day before, but only in the morning. By the time I strolled into the hostel from the train station, I was almost melting from the mid-day heat of the french riviera.

All my experiences -the change in climate, culture and scenery every 3 days – over the past 3 weeks couldn’t come close to preparing me for the change I felt when I landed. There were so many free services here; the internet usage was free; the water was free; the toilets were free. I just couldn’t help feel the difference from Europe. I instantly switched back to Singlish when speaking to the transit hall liquer store “aunties” and got myself a hazelnut baileys, the newest flavour, with a free cooler bag. All these free services and gifts- the differences that I had become accustomed to in Singapore- could not jolt me into the sense that I was in a different place than before. I didn’t feel the difference, yet.

It took my breath away, literally. Like my brother had described 2 years before, when he returned to visit with his current squeeze, it was like walking into an inivisible wall. The second breath I took had me taking a deeper breath, as if the oxygen had evaporated right as I passed through those glass sliding doors and into the terminal 2 carpark. Nothing can ever prepare you for that distinctive “Welcome to Singapore” feel.

All my years living here and breathing this damp air, I have never had such a long stint away from this island. It has been my longest time away from home and now that I am back, it almost seems too short. Questions linger in my mind as I lie on my bed and feel a sticky layer gloss over my skin as the hours tick by. I almost ask myself why the sun hasn’t risen even though it is 1 hour past the 5am sunrise time. Here the sunset and rise are fixed- you almost don’t need a watch. Just as I was growing accustomed to insanely long daylight hours- from 5am to 10pm!- I am wooshed back to a 7-7 daylight time.

I glance back at the steady updates from Munich and Europe and wonder if I will ever meet these people again. It almost seemed as if I had too much to drink(which isn’t a lot actually) and had woken up with 20 more friends from Bavaria, a jumble of memories, over 5000 photographs and a suitcase of weird memorabilia. But none of these things are sure reminders of where I’ve been. The surest difference is in me. I cannot deny that it was real; I cannot go back to living life like I used to. I am a changed man.

Beyond the funky , self-made “designer” glasses I don for the time being and beyond the longest hair I have had since I was born, I see clearly now. My girlfriend would have never chosen to be with me, would have never chosen to have a long distance relationship with me, if SHE hadn’t gone for her own exchange a year before mine. Experience changes people, changes perspectives and changes lives. Dreams don’t.

Even if it was, it was one heck of a dream i’d willingly have again in an instant! But now , it looks like I will need to want to, wake up.

I’m not happy as i have planned out my life for the next 4 weeks

I think many people will be unhappy NOT knowing what is happening in the next 4 weeks. But, i am different. I can just see myself, burnt out and totally unhappy in 3 weeks.

Thats whats affecting my trip now. Now i just want to mope around and sulk and not take the flight home. But of course, i won’t do that. I keep thinking of whats going to happen, when i haven’t even sorted out my current situation. Its a serious flaw i have.

I have my whole day ahead of me, but next month is casting a long shadow on my mood. whats up with that?

I live in the future. I am forever cursed to search for happiness I cannot find as it will be right here beside me, with me, now.

Some developing cities are just too touristy and everything leeches off tourists. Sure, every city has its tourists, especially capitals, but there’s something about london that makes it unique. Maybe its the huge local populace that dilutes the touristy feel? Considering you’re more likely to bump into someone of non-english parentage on the tube, I guess not. Maybe its because of its history, and that london has had this flavour for so long that everyone who goes there knows, and adopts it? Sounds very much like a chicken and egg situation if you ask me.

Then again, we need not know the why to describe what something is. London strikes me as a congested, lively, busy and buzzing place. Sounds somewhat like Hong Kong in that respect, or even singapore-there are a sizable number of both populations in London- but both places tend to overwhelm, and thats where London is different. The diversity makes it unique. There are halal stores selling doner kebabs and fish and chips and weird fusions of people everywhere who look and sound different, but all do so in a distinctly british english accent.

The only problem is that their transport system is shit. totally shit. Lines go down over the weekends and the trains are small and overcrowded. Stations are old, yellowing and vadly ventilated. The whole transport system itself is a fragmented hodgepodge of 5 different systems. The buses are COMPETITION, not complements to the trains! Its basically rubbish. Yet, people get by. In fact, the congestion and chaos is so bad, that people are willing to drive 2 hours to and from work!

Stresses aside, I find the rich history alluring. The natural history museum was awesome and put the deutsches museum here in munich to shame by sheer scale. And the latter can’t be completed in a day! The many memorials and churches contrast to the ultra modern glass facades and wavy, energy concious forms and give the city a look that reflects its vibe to a T. Its not so much of a clash of old and new, but a synergy that makes everything fit.

The main thing that captivated me is that there is always something to do. There are always things happening and everything has people attending! More often than not it is the venues that are too small!

I think the funniest thing is that i realised the provision shop at Gatwick airport, WHsmith sells the cheapest british chocolates and cookies. Thank god we can get them in singapore haha

okay i’m tired. too tired. Easyjet’s 7am flight is too damn early!! but the good thing is that i’m in Munich on a Sunday and am resting. I am….well… supposed to be at least. haha

ok now to nap till 6!

The street protest, or rather more like a peaceful organised street vigil, was held in memory of the death of someone by the name of Reinhold eistner. You can google it if you want and you will find that his death is now used as a symbol of the fascist movement here in germany. I will not go into details. The locals in Munich apparently are vehemently against anything fascist. In fact, you can even call the current Singaporean prime minister a fascist for his recent comments about one party rule being the only way in Singapore.

Anyway, I was curious as to why they were standing there surrounded by barricades and the police. A passer by from another part of Germany decried the Authorities for allowing the protesters to do this! The protest was being mocked and a demonstration appeard in response to it and the locals were chanting for the holocaust deniers(fascists) to go home(as they are from other parts of the country). The crowd was mostly young and below 25,  but there were times when local Germans in traditional bavarian wear were joining in  the shouting and the heckling of the ‘registered’ demonstrators.

That where I found the main difference between sg politics and german politics. The fact that they first blame the authorities for even ALLOWING such a protest, means that that they don’t immediately criticise YOU. The system is often more at fault.

— ok i am sleepy and its 3.30am… will continue this… someday!!

I’ve been thinking, and i need time to think, time away from my computer, time away from everything. My thoughts are not coherent.

I ought to set aside one day every 2 weeks to be alone and by myself. that would really be necessary now that I realised that I really need time to myself.

I think it harks back to a time when i played tetris. I can arrange everything as they come, and plan ahead, but I cannot say no to the next block. I can even speed up the play to my speed and send the next one, but the game never stops. I get so good that the game doesn’t end and I play till I reached the maximum score that it could record. Then i never touched it again. But you can’t do that with life. you cannot just beat the system of life. There is no scoreboard and there is no maximum. Even in the game there was a pause button , but i never used it. And now I realised that I need a pause button for my everyday life. I realised my mind doesn’t pause. Life goes on at its own slow, inexorable pace, but my mind just zooms around.

Thats what I realised so far in munich. Alone, without my own computer, without any friends or relatives nearby. I know i will start to miss them as I miss Jane now, but I am not one to miss people. I do feel guilty when i think of them that I only do so when I am lonely, but I guess I surround myself with too many people that I do not give any single group or any single person enough quality time. I do not feel close to them, even if they feel close to me. I guess I build too many walls.

I would love to immerse in german culture here but a large part of it includes drinking, and a small glass to them is half a litre! Not knowing the language is also a problem. I am interested to learn but grammar and conjugating sentences are difficult to learn on your own. Especially since i do not have a guide book. I’ll find my way around it though, i know i will. One way is to use my ipod’s apps, but vocabulary can only take you so far.

I do miss chinese food . I must admit. I had some for cny and i didn’t do too bad a job. Its not the same as when you have rich, oily hawker food. lol I do miss having some soup too. hmm thats an idea I can use for next week. Then again, I dare not buy too much food nowadays, considering I let half my bread grow mouldy and spread to the carrots… haha oh well…

I went to salzburg yesterday and spent the whole day out with a great bunch of friends. Its fun knowing that everyone is from a different background and are all trying to learn german. I shall blog about them another time when I have my own computer. for now, I shall log off my landlady’s com lol well, she’s in hospital… i do hope she gets well soon, but for now, i’m KINDA thankful that I have something to fill my sunday.