another 5 am morning.

I find myself facing a lab report again. Nothing new, nothing foreign. In fact, it seems like year one theory. It almost seems too easy.

Then i look at all the questions. Of the 4, i had only done one myself, copied one, and have yet to do the other 2. I look at the rest of the structure and i realise my theory section is still blank.

Its 5am , 3 minutes since i stopped. No, 30 minutes since i stopped, 2 hours since i’ve started. Ok, i’m making good time considering i’ve showered and even got myself a good, hot cuppa of my current favorite blend of ovaltine and coffee.

But its 5am. And i’ve only worked maybe an hour at a stretch before being distracted. My eyes are heavy and my mind weary. Why didn’t i start earlier? Hall activities. Why didn’t I not go? I realised even though I knew I had work, in the back of my mind, I know its one of the few things keeping me sane.

I’ve been the worst group member of 2 groups so far… and i’m not proud of it. This time i couldn’t find the time to do the last minute work I used to be so good at.

I’m tired. But i have to go on. And no matter how many people i ask, no one seems to care enough to approach me about it or kick my ass hard enough.

I thought about why i couldn’t stay with the best-in the loo , of all places- and i came to realise:

Have you beaten the best yet? If you have but haven’t beaten yourself yet, then you will never be the best; There’s still yourself to overcome. You will always be in the way on your journey to perfection.

Genuinely worried

The real worry is from my studies. I am really having problems coping with my studies. And the more i worry, the more i escape. I know its a vicious cycle;  the more i escape to games, the less time i have to work. And time is what i need.

I know i have to hunker down and do it, but knowing is not enough. I don’t have the will. Somehow I don’t know why I’m doing all this anymore. I told a taxi driver today, very frankly, that at the start it seemed worth it -  one more year for one more degree? And now, one year on after saying yes to the program, I am seriously doubting myself.

Maybe its hall life, maybe its the closeness and the family-like atmosphere of hall that keeps me thinking that my time is better spent elsewhere. But I know that this atmosphere is temporary. I know that my degree is forever. But what the taxi driver said to me, made me pause. “People like you, who look so far ahead, will never stop one. You must know why you work and what you do outside it is something else. You work for money, but why? for your family! But if you don’t spend time with your family, you will only know work, and no one will know you. ”

Here’s the thing, he’s right. You can’t always work. But for me, the problem is not that I work. Its that I don’t . And I think, no, I KNOW that must change. I’m just always so bogged down by everything in my head that its hard to DO what i KNOW, let alone DO what i MUST. 

I’m caught between giving up and pushing on; I’m caught between my own wish for myself to be the best, and between my own wish for everyone to be happy. I can’t make everyone happy if i’m striving to be the best coz i’ll be the only one who’s not happy.And thats my conundrum now, and thats my inner battle. I was like my roomie- no definition of happiness, no definition of want. And now i realise i’ve past where he’s been. It seems to so many people out there that i’ve got it together, that i’ve got it nailed, that i know what i want. And yet, they don’t  see that it just looks that way- If i don’t win myself over with what i really want, uncertain future happiness, or trying to find the meaning of happiness now, I will never get either .And i dont know what to do right now.

I’ve always avoided this problem by telling myself that the situation i am in, is only temporary, and yet, every two years, every time i have a major exam . Every. Single. Time. I have to cheat myself, I have to lie to myself to say that I must concentrate on this exam first- this question can come later- I always come back to the same question. AND I”M TIRED OF IT.

I’m tired of lying to myself, and i’m tired of thinking that this feeling of emptiness will go away. Its one thing to know you have what i takes to finish a double degree, its another to feel totally useless coz you know you’re not going anywhere with all that substance coz you haven’t got a place to go.

And i don’t knwo why i got into this state of mind.

that nagging feeling

its a nagging feeling, like someone’s dying to see you, crying while thinking about you. The energy i’m feeling is just so weird in that it feels sad.

freaky thing is, i listened to that song at exactly 4:03am. And i can’t sleep .

but i have to get myself together. Even though i want to…but i have to….. but i have to…. live.

having trouble sleeping

I’m having trouble sleeping.

maybe its all the late night early morning gaming. till 3. Or maybe its just something else. Its not like i game during the weekdays also… and i’ve been having trouble sleeping since thursday. so maybe its not the gaming during the weekend. Maybe its just the stress.

My friend told my he was feeling jaded. “jaded?” i asked, followed by, “how so?”.

His reply came, “you just feel like you have no motivation. Like you are driven only by the knowledge that you have to do well.”

That answer just spoke like the words from my heart. And that doesn’t happen often.

Working towards a goal JUST BECAUSE its a goal you HAVE to attain(obligated to), is so damn tiring. It just takes the life out of you. Its so much better to be working towards a goal because of something- even if its coz your parents are pressuring you or because you want to show someone up. Its to the extent that I have lost interest in my course of study. I see no point in working so hard for 2 pieces of paper. Even though i know its correlated to my job in the future, even though i know its important. Everything just doesn’t seem worth it right now.

It doesn’t help that I get no respite at home. I’ve had to fix my dad’s computer WHILE i baked brownies. Its not fun. It takes the fun out of baking coz there’s this stupid irritating shit thing nagging at you. Thank god both my brownies taste damn good.

Over the weekend, my dad said he’d got some govt grant and his business was going to really take off. It was a big deal, worth celebrating, yet he wasn’t in the mood, for some reason. He even found it peculiar and said to me ,”i’ve been hankering after this ’status’ (referring to his company’s status) for so long, and really hoping to get it. But now that i’ve got it, I don’t feel a thing.” This is the same way I normally feel. Maybe its hereditary? or maybe its learned?

I just hope my love life doesn’t turn out the same way; go after a girl for a long time. And when I finally get her,  I don’t feel anything. I’d feel very sad for her if that happens. She just won’t have a person who appreciates how difficult it is to get together. And that in itself is a tragedy coz I won’t appreciate her.

Maybe i’m thinking too much.  Maybe it won’t happen to me. But what if? I’d rather see a girl i like , go on with her life without me, than see something like that happening. I can’t bear to see it happen.

choosing mates

I think I chose correctly this time.

The three girls really exceeded my expectations!

I picked the 1st 2 coz they’re also taking 2 degrees like me, but i picked the last one coz i know she is reclusive for the right reasons; choosing to sit alone in lectures to concentrate. Effective people do effective things. and true enough, she’s been reminding the 3 of us to do the project! I sit beside effective people to leech things from them in lecture coz i might miss something-but thats beside the point.

I think as group mates, its nothing better than having people more focused than you are . I brought them together, but now i have to play catch up! haha I think its better that way. I’d rather have that than say…. having to push everyone to work on a project.

I don’t want the week to end, but i can’t wait for it to pass

I don’t have enough time this week. Seriously. I can’t afford it to end. Not before fri. Omg…OK maybe i’m overreacting, but I’m always slow at lab. Lab reports to me , should be PERFECT. Ok… maybe i’m analysing it too much-its only 1 AU. A on lab gives you .44 points -.-. I’m spending too much time on it!

I’ve met so many people this week I don’t know who i’ve seen already. And its only thursday morning now. thank god i didn’t run for JCRC. I would DIE from the campaigning. But A lot of people have been asking me why i didn’t run. A lot of seniors wanted me to run apparently.At least for PnP.The rally on tuesday was a draining 3 hour ordeal! omg… and we only had 19 candidates for 15 seats? super friendly man…too friendly already no fun! ok only 1 pair of people flared up during the rally and lost composure- and i think that will be the deciding event .

I think the most interesting things were the questions posed. Freshies this year were more upfront and shot ALOT of questions! some were very awkward for the nominees (the vp nominee let the p nominee run for the pres post prior to elections!) like why the vp didn’t run for p! I still like my question, and i think the incoming pres and vice pres has got the direction right.

“The vp nominee said the pres was the external image of the hall, and one guy mentioned that there was a lack of continuity in the policies from one JCRC to another.Building on these, my question is, ‘what image would you like to build for our hall’?”

the vp had the answer- a fun hall. and i like that. I like the fact that they wanted not to WIN medals in the IHG , but rather to increase the IHG participation rate. The VP is more suited for the P post; he’s got a vision- to build a hall spirit.

I have to be home for the hungry ghosts festival tomorrow. I don’t know how i can find the time to finish two lab reports and submit them online, by friday midnight. Just leaving campus for dinner will suck up 4 hours of my time. Not that I don’t want to see my family , but sometimes, there’s too much to do. THANK GOD I QUIT MY CCAs.I’m feeling mighty drained already.

but sometimes i worry a bit too much.

I miss you, but i can’t face you.. It just hurts too much.

its 4am i must be lonely

taking a leaf from matchbox 20’s song 3am,”I can’t help but be scared of it all , sometimes.”

There has been much upheaval in my life recently. With the start of the labs and project groups coming together , worry and workload have both started to suddenly become bothersome.

The fact that several hall activities such as elections and stuff are scheduled this week and the week before doesn’t help. The good news is i’m not behind on tutorials YET. i’m barely breaking even though coz i’m bogged down by my lab reports. two to do by friday.

And here I am at 4am, thinking how i seem to be leading my roomie in most conversations purely due to the fact that I seem to know more and I can tell he’s just making conversation sometimes. Its like I can talk about any given topic . Yet i have nothing to write for my lab.

I saw someone I knew today. Playing badminton. She didn’t seem to acknoledge my presence, but her game seemed to take a dip with my sudden presence and she started giving very weak returns. Or maybe it was all just a coincidence.

i thought my tired days were over

When i quit archery, when i switched to studying, I honestly tought i had it good this time.

I couldn’t have been more wrong…

Things don’t just go away.

And i’m still tired.

i hate expectations

I thought about it, and all this is coz I set myself up with too much expectations laden on me. I should have went to nus to take arch, but thats another life, another story and another regret.

I don’t regret taking this double degree. I fought hard for it, maybe a bit too hard. Without it, I wouldn’t have gotten to know all the wonderful ,smart people who are in the same shit as I am, but are coping a lot better. Without it, I wouldn’t have a glimpse of whether I am good enough, or how good I actually am(or , recently, how bad I can be without hard work) . Without it, i wouldn’t have had the chance to meet some of my closest friends from various courses in humantities .

What I do hate though, is having people expect results from me. Thats what I really don’t like. Its unneccessary pressure. Such pressure is also very distracting.

But i must say, I’ve been slacking for 2 semesters now. I’ve shot more ends than answered questions. And probably hit x more times than i’ve hit a question right on in a tutorial on the first try.

I kinda asked for it.

I stayed on last sem even though I had identified that I wasn’t getting anywhere- that the results and rewards reaped wasn’t even close the amount of time put into the sport. I must admit, I stayed on for someone. I stayed on to give myself a shot, to keep myself relevant to someone else’s life and its hurt me in ways I didn’t even know it could. Now i’ve quit.

I should start living for myself. I honestly don’t know how come i’ve become so nice to people. I used to be very much like my roomie – the guy on the dean’s list. Self centred, with a “I don’t care, it doesn’t affect me” attitude and very driven . In some ways, I feel I have regressed academically due to me opening up to other people . Its like I have neglected a part of myself to care for others. I am self sacrificing and i need to learn to control it.

I am now almost a shoo-in for the next jcrc publications post. It will ensure me a spot in hall next year . why do i say i’m a shoo in? The pubs sec knows I am interested in the post and has given his blessings. I am known by quite a few people who are not from my original og as I didn’t solely stick to my hall og during sem time.  Even some seniors in hall also know who I am, though I don’t know who they are.

I’ve just sunk in so much time into hall, it seems like such a waste not to run. The groundwork has been laid for the past year- sometimes at the cost of work- and now i have the chance to capitalise on it and I am being hindered by the cost I paid for the groundwork. How ironic. People have been asking me to run for p&p.

Some good friends have been advising me to take a look at what I want from ntu- why am i here? Most would say they are here for the degree. I came here for the degree, but it has offered me more than that. And i’m taking in everything it throws at me, barbs and all. And maybe, just maybe i’m taking in too much- so much that i can’t handle it.

The worst part is, no one understands . I am torn. I just need someone to talk to now.

I’m turning my alarm off. I need a good rest. I’ll do lab tomorrow evening. thank god its web-based.

warning.

time.24 hours in a day and i can’t manage it properly.

yeah, they painted me to be some superb student supposedly able to do any math and ANY problem that comes my way and they couldn’t understand why. I understood why, and i understood that it was more than just archery.

but.

i lied through my teeth. I didn’t really see the benefit of 2 degrees . I hesitated, i considered , then i told them “yes” . Are you still interested? do you see the benefit of having 2 degrees?

honestly no. It just heaps expectations on you like how my A level score did for me in uni.

concentration concentration, this is a game of concentration……