quizzes/projects

I honestly loath both, even though i see the merit in their existence. However, the question that begs to be answered is, which is better?

quizzes are a one time pain. Forces you to go through all your notes and your content. Good that it helps you revise, but in reality, there’s no such thing as quizzes in the real world.

Projects on the other hand, are a longer term pain. They’re also a pain in more than one way. The human cooperation factor, the lack of a clear direction in most projects, the organisation of the work, creation of the structure of the report, the way the info is presented and the time at which everything comes together. It can really take a whole lot outta you. But not all projects are equal. Some are good in the sense that you learn alot about the content you are supposed to learn as you HAVE to apply them and this forces you to read up. However, there are those projects that have absolutely no bearing on what you have to learn to pass the exam later.

Then it brings the question, are we really studying for the grades? just for the grades? I really question the usefulness of a materials engineer or an economic bachelor’s knowing the formula for fourier coefficients to be found.  Some things we just learn coz some OTHER engineering faculty or MOST other universities teach it, so we have to learn it if not our degree is not worth shit. But honestly, is that how things work in the real world? I wonder why we are still so tethered to the paper chase in this highly sterile and supposedly detached learning environment; aren’t we supposed to let ourselves be free from real world concerns in the pursuit of knowledge?

I am a thinker, a wonderer, a theorist and idealist at heart. Such restrictions , quizzes, and fundamental errors in the core values of education here really strike a nerve. The more jaded I get, the more practical i will get and the more I see the reasons of the paper chase. The more i see the so-called reasons, the more jaded i get. Its quite a vicious circle/cycle. I’m finding it hard to hold on to my ideals and my values on education . The fatigue, competition and the sense that we’ve got it all wrong fundamentally really drains my drive, resolve and leaves me disillusioned.

feeling emo.

I finished my computer game ceasar3…. today… or rather, before 12midnight, so its yesterday. I got promoted to ceasar, and then to deity… then…. i won.

and i felt happy for…. 5 seconds before i realised,THATS IT? no high score ranking?! no name?! -.-

sian

but is that why i played it for? nope. is that why i like to play it? NOPE.but why does that reaction subtract from my experience some utility?

I don’t know why i’m feeling this way. maybe coz i felt like i got used by my group mates in the ms2030 project. Maybe its coz i don’t like the feeling of constantly having to work. Or maybe i just didn’t have a proper weekend.

Maybe. Maybe i didn’t …. touch base.

I’m feeling worn again.  I NEED TO EXERCISE….. maybe thats it.

maybe its just me.

but talking to a friend who’s gg to australia for exchange next sem really perks up my day. Especially since we both did so many similar things and are both somehow on the same frequency. but dang, she’s attached. haha. and catholic. nothing wrong with that actually, just…. well… i don’t know . Religion is a topic i’ve always skirted . Maybe coz i don’t believe in religion, but i believe there is a higher power. Religion to me is just an outdated and biased interpretation.

what do you do , when your heart is an empty room?

furnish? repaint? rewire? do the lighting? flooring? curtains? clean up? or simply…. lock the door and throw away the key?

square one

after it all i’m back to square one. I don’t feel like i’ve changed much from who i’ve been. I’m still that person who can be bothered by a tutorial question that has an answer I don’t agree with. I’m still that perfectionist who kills himself over not preparing for a presentation(and wings it). But no matter what, everything falls into place.

i’m lucky . i’m fortunate.

But i just don’t appreciate stuff. not the things i have. All i see, is the future. What could be, and what could be better. I see flaws I see pending improvements. But I don’t see me , nor do i see the people around me.

I don’t like sleeping so “early” but its hard to get some privacy in hall. Its still no excuse .

I’ve always been troubled. Always worrying about every little detail. Then i realised that people have too many details and i’ll be worrying about everyone. Everyone but myself.

here I am, alone again. Here I am, again jaded by life, again not seeing the brighter side.

But is it that bad? I understood everything in my tutorial for once. NEver mind that a friend asked if there’s anything wrong. Never mind that he noticed that I lacked something- my smile. Never mind all that.

I don’t mind giving up on looking for happiness. I get things done. I’m on the ball.

But i’m not happy.  I thought finding someone was the key, but now i’ve found someone who doesn’t like me back. So forget about all that, forget about all the things to come, i don’t want it anymore. I’m tired of looking.

its new!

no  . not me. my new racquet came today with anurad, down from KL. woots! was damn happy getting it. And best of all, i met chris and settled everything, cash and stuff in one day.

my hell week started 2 hours 17 minutes ago and i’m not rested yet.

Well, at least i got a new racket

so you’re using me as your pastor lah?

I said that to my friend today over the phone.

well, its interesting. Two of the closest people to me who are known as “chris” called on me for advice.

one called to ask about something regarding business ethics , another via msn to (after complaining about her current situation) ask for direction on a personal relationship.

And the question i have in my head right now is, do i give good advice?

Seriously, at some point in my conversation with both of them, I asked myself whether i was advising the right things. But whats said is said.

So why is it that people come to me for advice?

In fact, i’m in need of some advice of my own!

maybe its a “summit effect” ; if you’re at the peak, you can only point one way for people seeking directions – DOWN.

why do i always end up letting people down?

is it coz i forget?

or is it coz i have too many people to potentially let down?

I didn’t have this problem before coz , well, ididn’t really have that many friends to let down before. secondary shool was a very close-knit family, while in jc,  didn’t really fit in . Not that i really do now.

this time i slept in. maybe its the night before. Thank god i didn’t make it in the afternoon , if not it would really have been too tiring for me. But i will never, ever miss a night’s sleep again. Its just not worth the consequences. Even if its for work.

one night missed screwed up 2 days. Not that my friends helped. sometimes its hard to see who really cares.

another 5 am morning.

I find myself facing a lab report again. Nothing new, nothing foreign. In fact, it seems like year one theory. It almost seems too easy.

Then i look at all the questions. Of the 4, i had only done one myself, copied one, and have yet to do the other 2. I look at the rest of the structure and i realise my theory section is still blank.

Its 5am , 3 minutes since i stopped. No, 30 minutes since i stopped, 2 hours since i’ve started. Ok, i’m making good time considering i’ve showered and even got myself a good, hot cuppa of my current favorite blend of ovaltine and coffee.

But its 5am. And i’ve only worked maybe an hour at a stretch before being distracted. My eyes are heavy and my mind weary. Why didn’t i start earlier? Hall activities. Why didn’t I not go? I realised even though I knew I had work, in the back of my mind, I know its one of the few things keeping me sane.

I’ve been the worst group member of 2 groups so far… and i’m not proud of it. This time i couldn’t find the time to do the last minute work I used to be so good at.

I’m tired. But i have to go on. And no matter how many people i ask, no one seems to care enough to approach me about it or kick my ass hard enough.

I thought about why i couldn’t stay with the best-in the loo , of all places- and i came to realise:

Have you beaten the best yet? If you have but haven’t beaten yourself yet, then you will never be the best; There’s still yourself to overcome. You will always be in the way on your journey to perfection.

Genuinely worried

The real worry is from my studies. I am really having problems coping with my studies. And the more i worry, the more i escape. I know its a vicious cycle;  the more i escape to games, the less time i have to work. And time is what i need.

I know i have to hunker down and do it, but knowing is not enough. I don’t have the will. Somehow I don’t know why I’m doing all this anymore. I told a taxi driver today, very frankly, that at the start it seemed worth it -  one more year for one more degree? And now, one year on after saying yes to the program, I am seriously doubting myself.

Maybe its hall life, maybe its the closeness and the family-like atmosphere of hall that keeps me thinking that my time is better spent elsewhere. But I know that this atmosphere is temporary. I know that my degree is forever. But what the taxi driver said to me, made me pause. “People like you, who look so far ahead, will never stop one. You must know why you work and what you do outside it is something else. You work for money, but why? for your family! But if you don’t spend time with your family, you will only know work, and no one will know you. ”

Here’s the thing, he’s right. You can’t always work. But for me, the problem is not that I work. Its that I don’t . And I think, no, I KNOW that must change. I’m just always so bogged down by everything in my head that its hard to DO what i KNOW, let alone DO what i MUST. 

I’m caught between giving up and pushing on; I’m caught between my own wish for myself to be the best, and between my own wish for everyone to be happy. I can’t make everyone happy if i’m striving to be the best coz i’ll be the only one who’s not happy.And thats my conundrum now, and thats my inner battle. I was like my roomie- no definition of happiness, no definition of want. And now i realise i’ve past where he’s been. It seems to so many people out there that i’ve got it together, that i’ve got it nailed, that i know what i want. And yet, they don’t  see that it just looks that way- If i don’t win myself over with what i really want, uncertain future happiness, or trying to find the meaning of happiness now, I will never get either .And i dont know what to do right now.

I’ve always avoided this problem by telling myself that the situation i am in, is only temporary, and yet, every two years, every time i have a major exam . Every. Single. Time. I have to cheat myself, I have to lie to myself to say that I must concentrate on this exam first- this question can come later- I always come back to the same question. AND I”M TIRED OF IT.

I’m tired of lying to myself, and i’m tired of thinking that this feeling of emptiness will go away. Its one thing to know you have what i takes to finish a double degree, its another to feel totally useless coz you know you’re not going anywhere with all that substance coz you haven’t got a place to go.

And i don’t knwo why i got into this state of mind.

that nagging feeling

its a nagging feeling, like someone’s dying to see you, crying while thinking about you. The energy i’m feeling is just so weird in that it feels sad.

freaky thing is, i listened to that song at exactly 4:03am. And i can’t sleep .

but i have to get myself together. Even though i want to…but i have to….. but i have to…. live.

having trouble sleeping

I’m having trouble sleeping.

maybe its all the late night early morning gaming. till 3. Or maybe its just something else. Its not like i game during the weekdays also… and i’ve been having trouble sleeping since thursday. so maybe its not the gaming during the weekend. Maybe its just the stress.

My friend told my he was feeling jaded. “jaded?” i asked, followed by, “how so?”.

His reply came, “you just feel like you have no motivation. Like you are driven only by the knowledge that you have to do well.”

That answer just spoke like the words from my heart. And that doesn’t happen often.

Working towards a goal JUST BECAUSE its a goal you HAVE to attain(obligated to), is so damn tiring. It just takes the life out of you. Its so much better to be working towards a goal because of something- even if its coz your parents are pressuring you or because you want to show someone up. Its to the extent that I have lost interest in my course of study. I see no point in working so hard for 2 pieces of paper. Even though i know its correlated to my job in the future, even though i know its important. Everything just doesn’t seem worth it right now.

It doesn’t help that I get no respite at home. I’ve had to fix my dad’s computer WHILE i baked brownies. Its not fun. It takes the fun out of baking coz there’s this stupid irritating shit thing nagging at you. Thank god both my brownies taste damn good.

Over the weekend, my dad said he’d got some govt grant and his business was going to really take off. It was a big deal, worth celebrating, yet he wasn’t in the mood, for some reason. He even found it peculiar and said to me ,”i’ve been hankering after this ’status’ (referring to his company’s status) for so long, and really hoping to get it. But now that i’ve got it, I don’t feel a thing.” This is the same way I normally feel. Maybe its hereditary? or maybe its learned?

I just hope my love life doesn’t turn out the same way; go after a girl for a long time. And when I finally get her,  I don’t feel anything. I’d feel very sad for her if that happens. She just won’t have a person who appreciates how difficult it is to get together. And that in itself is a tragedy coz I won’t appreciate her.

Maybe i’m thinking too much.  Maybe it won’t happen to me. But what if? I’d rather see a girl i like , go on with her life without me, than see something like that happening. I can’t bear to see it happen.