choosing mates

I think I chose correctly this time.

The three girls really exceeded my expectations!

I picked the 1st 2 coz they’re also taking 2 degrees like me, but i picked the last one coz i know she is reclusive for the right reasons; choosing to sit alone in lectures to concentrate. Effective people do effective things. and true enough, she’s been reminding the 3 of us to do the project! I sit beside effective people to leech things from them in lecture coz i might miss something-but thats beside the point.

I think as group mates, its nothing better than having people more focused than you are . I brought them together, but now i have to play catch up! haha I think its better that way. I’d rather have that than say…. having to push everyone to work on a project.

I don’t want the week to end, but i can’t wait for it to pass

I don’t have enough time this week. Seriously. I can’t afford it to end. Not before fri. Omg…OK maybe i’m overreacting, but I’m always slow at lab. Lab reports to me , should be PERFECT. Ok… maybe i’m analysing it too much-its only 1 AU. A on lab gives you .44 points -.-. I’m spending too much time on it!

I’ve met so many people this week I don’t know who i’ve seen already. And its only thursday morning now. thank god i didn’t run for JCRC. I would DIE from the campaigning. But A lot of people have been asking me why i didn’t run. A lot of seniors wanted me to run apparently.At least for PnP.The rally on tuesday was a draining 3 hour ordeal! omg… and we only had 19 candidates for 15 seats? super friendly man…too friendly already no fun! ok only 1 pair of people flared up during the rally and lost composure- and i think that will be the deciding event .

I think the most interesting things were the questions posed. Freshies this year were more upfront and shot ALOT of questions! some were very awkward for the nominees (the vp nominee let the p nominee run for the pres post prior to elections!) like why the vp didn’t run for p! I still like my question, and i think the incoming pres and vice pres has got the direction right.

“The vp nominee said the pres was the external image of the hall, and one guy mentioned that there was a lack of continuity in the policies from one JCRC to another.Building on these, my question is, ‘what image would you like to build for our hall’?”

the vp had the answer- a fun hall. and i like that. I like the fact that they wanted not to WIN medals in the IHG , but rather to increase the IHG participation rate. The VP is more suited for the P post; he’s got a vision- to build a hall spirit.

I have to be home for the hungry ghosts festival tomorrow. I don’t know how i can find the time to finish two lab reports and submit them online, by friday midnight. Just leaving campus for dinner will suck up 4 hours of my time. Not that I don’t want to see my family , but sometimes, there’s too much to do. THANK GOD I QUIT MY CCAs.I’m feeling mighty drained already.

but sometimes i worry a bit too much.

I miss you, but i can’t face you.. It just hurts too much.

its 4am i must be lonely

taking a leaf from matchbox 20’s song 3am,”I can’t help but be scared of it all , sometimes.”

There has been much upheaval in my life recently. With the start of the labs and project groups coming together , worry and workload have both started to suddenly become bothersome.

The fact that several hall activities such as elections and stuff are scheduled this week and the week before doesn’t help. The good news is i’m not behind on tutorials YET. i’m barely breaking even though coz i’m bogged down by my lab reports. two to do by friday.

And here I am at 4am, thinking how i seem to be leading my roomie in most conversations purely due to the fact that I seem to know more and I can tell he’s just making conversation sometimes. Its like I can talk about any given topic . Yet i have nothing to write for my lab.

I saw someone I knew today. Playing badminton. She didn’t seem to acknoledge my presence, but her game seemed to take a dip with my sudden presence and she started giving very weak returns. Or maybe it was all just a coincidence.

i thought my tired days were over

When i quit archery, when i switched to studying, I honestly tought i had it good this time.

I couldn’t have been more wrong…

Things don’t just go away.

And i’m still tired.

i hate expectations

I thought about it, and all this is coz I set myself up with too much expectations laden on me. I should have went to nus to take arch, but thats another life, another story and another regret.

I don’t regret taking this double degree. I fought hard for it, maybe a bit too hard. Without it, I wouldn’t have gotten to know all the wonderful ,smart people who are in the same shit as I am, but are coping a lot better. Without it, I wouldn’t have a glimpse of whether I am good enough, or how good I actually am(or , recently, how bad I can be without hard work) . Without it, i wouldn’t have had the chance to meet some of my closest friends from various courses in humantities .

What I do hate though, is having people expect results from me. Thats what I really don’t like. Its unneccessary pressure. Such pressure is also very distracting.

But i must say, I’ve been slacking for 2 semesters now. I’ve shot more ends than answered questions. And probably hit x more times than i’ve hit a question right on in a tutorial on the first try.

I kinda asked for it.

I stayed on last sem even though I had identified that I wasn’t getting anywhere- that the results and rewards reaped wasn’t even close the amount of time put into the sport. I must admit, I stayed on for someone. I stayed on to give myself a shot, to keep myself relevant to someone else’s life and its hurt me in ways I didn’t even know it could. Now i’ve quit.

I should start living for myself. I honestly don’t know how come i’ve become so nice to people. I used to be very much like my roomie – the guy on the dean’s list. Self centred, with a “I don’t care, it doesn’t affect me” attitude and very driven . In some ways, I feel I have regressed academically due to me opening up to other people . Its like I have neglected a part of myself to care for others. I am self sacrificing and i need to learn to control it.

I am now almost a shoo-in for the next jcrc publications post. It will ensure me a spot in hall next year . why do i say i’m a shoo in? The pubs sec knows I am interested in the post and has given his blessings. I am known by quite a few people who are not from my original og as I didn’t solely stick to my hall og during sem time.  Even some seniors in hall also know who I am, though I don’t know who they are.

I’ve just sunk in so much time into hall, it seems like such a waste not to run. The groundwork has been laid for the past year- sometimes at the cost of work- and now i have the chance to capitalise on it and I am being hindered by the cost I paid for the groundwork. How ironic. People have been asking me to run for p&p.

Some good friends have been advising me to take a look at what I want from ntu- why am i here? Most would say they are here for the degree. I came here for the degree, but it has offered me more than that. And i’m taking in everything it throws at me, barbs and all. And maybe, just maybe i’m taking in too much- so much that i can’t handle it.

The worst part is, no one understands . I am torn. I just need someone to talk to now.

I’m turning my alarm off. I need a good rest. I’ll do lab tomorrow evening. thank god its web-based.

warning.

time.24 hours in a day and i can’t manage it properly.

yeah, they painted me to be some superb student supposedly able to do any math and ANY problem that comes my way and they couldn’t understand why. I understood why, and i understood that it was more than just archery.

but.

i lied through my teeth. I didn’t really see the benefit of 2 degrees . I hesitated, i considered , then i told them “yes” . Are you still interested? do you see the benefit of having 2 degrees?

honestly no. It just heaps expectations on you like how my A level score did for me in uni.

concentration concentration, this is a game of concentration……

is it possible ?

Is it possible to still feel the same way all over again?

Is it possible that it is such a coincidence that two people’s music are playing the same things?

Is it possible to ignite the ambers in a jaded heart?

Honestly i don’t know.

sometimes, it seems like its all not worth the heartache and wait. Then you hear that familiar song, that familiar voice, that familiar smile… and it hurts all over again. And no one knows where and why you hurt- not even the person in question.

Then you look around and realise- its only you. Its all only in your mind.  And the only person who could ever understand , won’t. Coz they’re the cause of all these feelings.

I will not feel this way again

Is it possible to give your heart away a second time? to the same person?

fear of free time.

I think I fear free time.

I have been contemplating dropping all CCAs and just going for hall stuff, maybe running for some hall stuff. honestly, i haven’t run it by my friends from my batch of seniors coz i’m somehow excluded from their clique. I just don’t fit in lah… no matter where i go.

but i digress.

This week is probably the most free week i will have this sem. my room mate has already done his first week’s tutorials and i’m only half done with ONE of mine. I have been trying to utilise my free time to study. But somehow, its not working. I just cannot get into the mindset.

I fear that I will languish in this time and waste it away. And yet if i plan more things to fill up this time, like a cca, i will never find the TIME to get into the mindset of studying. After one year… I still haven’t found what i’m looking for.

a recent fb app put it right. “whats your biggest weakness” and i was described as someone who seemed good at a lot of things, but just didn’t have soul. Whatever i did was good, but just lacked the soul.

long days don’t always suck

lack of rest is worse.

I had a super long day on friday. starting at about 6 when i woke from a 3 hour sleep.

The morning was totally taken from my by archery(again) and i spent the time teaching people how to shoot. Well it was a demo kind of shoot, with 4 arrows per freshie for the sports camp. we had 8 groups of 20.. which was essentially 2 of their OGs per round. and each session was typically 30 mins long. It started at 8.30 and only really ended at 12.30… man, it was totally draining, even though i saw 2 familiar faces in the freshies there, i was so drained. I spent the rest of the day rushing to complete my survey job.. which totally sucks….

I slept till i was almost late, and realised I was really not feeling good. travelling to paya lebar and back also took out a lot of me.But along the way i popped by phoon huat and bought CHEAP butter and some baking needs. The wide selection and low prices really changed the mood of the day.

But on the way back from phoon huat , i just felt so helpless and that same feeling of hopelessness came back. I felt alone, I felt sad and I felt very very down and was almost in a daze. I felt like I had felt when i was experiencing BURNOUT during school term in my 1st sem . I just didn’t feel like doing anything anymore- not even studying not even working not even ANYTHING. I just felt so lousy it was beyond comprehension.

It was 8pm and I was walking to causewaypoint when i had that feeling. Luckily, my friends had asked me out to dinner hours before-it was the only thing i was looking forward to in LIFE at that point of time . It was my lifeline for the moment. I arrived shagged and lifeless.

Well things changed when everyone arrived. the chemistry was infectious and we were cackling like mad men on drugs in no time. When i left my old friends, I realised that dark cloud was lifted. That disgusting feeling had left me!

All i needed was a good, hard, laugh. And company

:( i hate not finishing something

damn, i only got 2 surveys done! sad shit.

i had to do 10, but i only had like, 2 days… which is like, 10 30 min surveys . ok its not easy. but i still don’t like it when i can’t get something finished. Maybe thats why sometimes , i just don’t want to try. Sometimes it can be a hindrance.

I’d rather set up a baking site and sell my cookies.

Anyway, its very perplexing. I was supposed to have the whole week to do it, and average about 2+ a day. say work 3 hours a day. then i have to like , cram everything one and a half days.  damn the flu lah. This time it hit unusually hard. And there was a H virus case in camp, amongst my group! but anyway i think i’ve recovered fully. but not in time obviously.

zzz ok i think i’ll just stick to teaching tuition. Honestly, i’m not really good with kids. haha